Monday, February 7, 2022

Cheap Cheevos #5 - For Adults Only Edition. (Language NSFW) (Safe Images)

Dump the kids off at the grandparents because it's a special edition of Cheap Cheevos. This time, only for the grown-ups. We're taking a dive into the easy and sleazy pool with games full of boobs, butts, thrusting, humongous knobs, money-hungry slots, vibrations, and easy to get achievements. So let's get scratching!.. Wait, that's for after you've read this issue. (Click on "Read More" to read the full article.)

Hot Vacation (Steam)

With a title like Hot Vacation, you'll be expecting lots of sand, lots of sun, lots of skin, lots of sex, and lots of text. The title makes this game sound like a visual novel sex comedy. Well, you can expect all of that, minus the text because this is a puzzle game, baby!

All you do is arrange a bunch of little squares to form big sexy image. Images of bodacious anime/manga babes in schwing worthy outfits. On top of that, you'll see them fully naked and posing in positions that will make you say, "PUT YOUR DAMN CLOTHES BACK ON! CHILDREN COULD BE WATCHING". Okay, that's if you are some middle-aged house-mum that bought this thinking that it was going to be a family friendly game. For those that knew what you were getting yourself into, prepare to see them fully naked and posing in positions that'll make you say, "AAAHBWAALLAALAALAA URRRGGGG AROOOGA oof I creamed myself again". 

There's nothing much to the gameplay. Like I said before, all you do is move squares around until they are in the correct position. Sure, you'll get levels that have more squares than others, but there's no challenge. Okay, the only challenge is patience for the desperate that want to see extreme 2D nudity. 

There's also not much for when it comes to collecting all three achievements. Just complete every puzzle up until the second stage of the final girl. After all that, open up the gallery and the last of the achievements will unlock.

Outside of achievement hunters and fap boys, I can't really recommend this title to anyone. It's just a crappy puzzle game with sexy artwork. They are a dime a dozen on Steam and you are better off playing a more high quality game instead.

Fap Queen (Steam)

The most explicit game on this list (if the name doesn't imply that already).  A free-to-play masturbation tool that has hot anime women instruct you on how to play with yourself.  Pretty simple and textbook stuff.

Thankfully, you do not need to violate yourself what so ever.  Just start up the game and hit "Unlock All Achievements" and all the achievements will unlock. It's quicker than actual masturbation... Okay, maybe not.  Most of the players will only see the main menu and drain the game of achievements.  If you are going to go deeper and explore the rich content of the game.  Yeah, prepare for some very explicit language and explicit nudity.  Not for the weak, only for the one hard at hand... Or hard one in hand if you get what I mean. ;)

Yeah, this title itself is pure novelty.  A gag game designed to shock your friends whom check your achievements.  Only for those who have a sick sense of humor and/or those who want an easy game to 100%... AND NO! I didn't do what Michael Jackson did to his hand just like what he did in the Bad music video... Why do I hear a million people sighing?

Hot Slots (Nintendo Entertainment System) (Retro Achievements)

Retro Achievement Set:

It's slots, it's hot, it's Hot Slots.  One of the infamous Panesian unlicensed titles for the Nintendo Entertainment System.  This game is a slot machine game and it's as simple as they come.  Just waist your money away and try to get the machine to land on money winning combinations.  It's hard to muck up a game like that and this game doesn't muck up anything. It's pretty standard as far as slot machines go.

The novelty of this game is that there are three machines (that's not the novelty) that each have sexy woman hosting it.  Earn enough money on the tables and you'll get to see the women in the nude.  Buck naked! Nothing on! Happy birthday, Mr. President!  If you don't want to play to see the goods, you can use a code that'll skip to all the rude scenes.  However, cheating will not earn you any of the achievements in this game.  Not that you'll need to.  This set is really easy to complete.

You'll more than likely get all the achievements in this by just playing it naturally.  Play a certain amount of spins, lose a certain amount of spins, and hit the jackpot. You're going to get all of those without even knowing that you'll be rewarded for doing all of that.  You also unlock achievements for seeing all of the girls naked by winning a lot of money while in heat up mode (by matching three sevens).  Again, you're going to be playing the game for that reason and will unlock those achievements without knowing that they are achievements.

The only achievement that's an exception to this rule is one for winning a game by only having the middle section of the machine activated.  That's playing a spin with one coin inserted instead of three, greatly lowering your chances of winning.  It's a cheap-arse way of playing, but you'll be rewarded with an achievement if you win this way.  It's also pretty easy.

The only thing that I can say is remotely difficult about trying to unlock all of the achievements is having the time.  Depending on how lucky you are, you can beat this game in twenty minutes or two hours.  Prepare your patience for attempting it because you may need it.  However, this game isn't luck based.  Get your timing right and you'll be winning like there's no tomorrow.  It may take twenty minutes to identify the timing of the high winning combinations, but it's mega doable.  Nail this down and you'll smash through this game.

If you are interested in seeing the NES games that Nintendo refused to put their seal on.  This one is for you.  Granted, still not a very good game, but interesting to see nonetheless.

Devil Girl Needs Massages (Steam)

Okay, this game isn't exactly an 18+ rated game, but you'll sure feel dirty after playing it. In this you are tasked as a sexy devil girl's masseuse. She'll shout commands such as hand, vibrate, oil, and even for electricity and some hard spanking. Don't get your hopes up too high, cowboy. All ten stages are of still images and the gameplay is no more than just a big quick time event.

All the commands are done with the A,S,D,F,G keys, so you can play this one handed if you'd like. If you make a mistake, you'll take a hit. Make five mistakes and you'll have to redo the stage again. You won't be making many mistakes. Only time that you'll be doing so is while you are adjusting to the controls and commands.

The art is basic, but sexy and the language is raunchy. It's not much, but for all the blokes and sheelas out to play with their own joysticks and D-pads, this is more than enough. Music is generic soothing techno and the sound effects are really gross sounding. I don't know how the sounds will turn people on, best put on a Cannibal Corpse record while playing this.

This game is very short and very easy. All that needs to be done to unlock all the achievements is to simply beat all ten stages. It only takes around ten to twenty minutes to do. 

Our Church and Halloween (Story One through Four) (Playstation 4)

Since we're all going to hell after playing these games. I may as well throw in the most saucy kind of game into the mix. Yup, we're talking about more bible games from BreakThrough Gaming. This time we're talking about the first four episodes of the series, Our Church and Halloween. I've excluded both versions of part five because, well, they have very, very, very annoying speedrun trophies that aren't that easy. 

Note. I wrote this one way before the first article was even a thing during the testing/prototype phase of this series. I didn't want it to rot away in the vault forever, so here it is. Just be warned, it could fill up an article all by itself. Enjoy.

Story One

It's a dark Halloween night where James is out to raise the dead with his friends.  After opening up a gigantic haunted hole, their friends get kidnapped by ghosts.  That's when the real quest begins in this Christian Earthbound inspired RPG, Our Church and Halloween RPG - Story One.

I'd love to tell you more about the story, but sadly that paragraph is the ENTIRETY OF THE STORY IN THIS GAME! It's not very long and it's not very great.  It's on the line between terrible and average as there were some parts I found interesting, only to be disappointed by where it went.  Oh yeah, seeing as this is done by BreakThough Games, expect there to be a Christian message slapped on with no meaning or effort.  But seriously, there's only like five minutes of story at most.

The gameplay is also very short, not very interesting, nor would I call this an RPG by any definition.  The only thing that it loosely shares with the genre is the top-down angle, walking around and interacting with stuff.  You see how loose it is? There are no battles, no equipment, no experience points, and NO RPG!  You've only got one main puzzle and that's to interact with some rocks in the correct order.  Wow! Thrilling! Makes waiting in the doctor's office to be fun.

Wait! There is a surprise and that's a Challenge Mode can be activated by pressing the triangle button at the start screen.  What does this do? Surprisingly something.  It adds hidden holes in the haunted hole sections during the second half of this episode.  They won't be randomized and they are pretty easy to avoid once you've figured out the paths to take.  I did like that the devs did bother to add in a little extra puzzle.  Still very easy, but a nice touch.

With this being a short game, you can bet your sore arse that it has some short trophies.  A good chunk will unlock by just going through the game.  You've got some that require you to speedrun the game on both difficulties.  This isn't very hard, they give you plenty of time to do so. Just mash the X button to get through the dialogue, while also holding down X to run.  You are allowed to make a few mistakes here and there.  Next trophy will need you to fall down a hole in challenge mode, pretty simple.  Lastly, you'll have to beat the game and speedrun though it on challenge mode while avoiding the holes.  This will take a few tries but you also won't be spending more than ten minutes trying to unlock it. 

Guess what? After all of that you'll have a platinum trophy.  Why does this game have one? Why not! It's the only thing this game has going for it.

Story Two

Bigger, longer, and much more easier than before, it's James' non-RPG RPG about trying to resurrect his parents, Christian Fullmetal Alchemist style... Or as it's properly known as: Our Church and Halloween - Story Two.  After playing the very short first game, my expiations for the sequels dropped very low.  After finally playing the second chapter in the series, I was right to be set low as it's still a top-down walking simulator trying to pass itself off as an RPG.

The story has evolved a little bit.  No longer is it about trying to save your friends from ghosts. Instead he is trying to cure a sick person while fighting off ghosts.  It's not much more store than the first game, but still.  If you're non-religious and are offended by a crucifix, like the common vampire, you'll not like this.  It plays the Christian tone a lot more, but a little better than it did in the first game.  By "a little better" I mean that they make James pray and talk to God.  The rest of the message that they are giving with the story is still awkwardly implemented.  You could still have James as being a Christian and have the rest of the religious stuff removed and still have the same game.  That made it sound like that I'm a terrible heathen trying to censor the message.  Nah, not trying to censor it, just saying that it needed to be written a lot better.

The gameplay has too evolved to the point where we get more RPG elements put in.  We've got fetch quests and battles now and they are incredibly tacked on.  You do get to fight the ghosts in an RPG format, but I really wouldn't call them battles.  All you do is just press X to win.  I was glad that this game was longer than the first.  It takes twenty minutes to beat this episode, not five.  It is nice to see that this series is slowly fleshing itself out. I'm curious to see what happens in the third one.  Not expecting it to be any worse than the first two, but not expecting any better either.

This game is longer, but the trophies in this are easier to get.  You'll get most from simply beating the game, but there are two missables.  The first being to defeat all of the ghosts in this game.  They aren't hard to beat, just press X to win.  The thing that makes this missable is that they are scattered throughout the map, so they'll be in places that you typically wouldn't go to because you had already beaten that area.  These battles appear about half-way into the game. 

Lastly, there's a speedrun trophy.  Don't worry, there's no challenge/hard mode in this.  It's really easy to get.  Just mash the X to fast-forward through the text, keep holding down X to run, and avoid ghost battles if you can.  Most of the ghost fights are avoidable.  Another easy platinum from this series. I'm looking forward to suffering though the next chapter.

Story Three

Part three of the Christian non-RPG RPG series and so far, the best one in the series.  James is finally making his way up top of the mountain until one of his friends falls head first off of a bridge.  Now you must face another detour by going down and saving your friend and busting more ghosts.  Out of all the games in this series so far, this one improves on the problems that it had created.  The story is a little better with it being a bit more entertaining and the Christian messages being a bot more naturally placed.  Granted, the story has only upgraded itself from awful to average.

The exact same can be said about the gameplay. There are some proper RPG elements in this now.  You've got items to manage, battles that aren't just press X to win, and you can level up.  Don't expect too much from this upgraded system as this series has just only upgraded to borderline RPG status.  The battles are super easy as you are strong and the ghosts are weak.  The items you get will restore your health to the max, even so, you won't be using them much.  You will level up after every battle.  You won't earn much in terms of stats, only more health points.  I'm just impressed that this series is starting to form into an actual game now.

Again, like the rest of the games in this series, it won't take long to beat.  You can beat this one in about twenty minutes.  Is it a good game though?  Well, no.  Far from it.  Although, this is the one where I complained the less about.  Curious to see if any more improvements happen in the next game.  Be funny if that one turns out to be a legit good game.  I doubt it though.  

The trophies are practically the same as they were in the previous part and require at least two runs to get them all.  A good chunk will unlock naturally by beating the game.  There are two easy to miss trophies.  One for defeating all of the ghosts and the other for having four apples in your inventory.  The ghost busting one can be done during your first run.

The reason why I say that you need to do at least two runs of the game is due to the speedrun trophy.  It won't take much effort to get.  Most of the fights are avoidable.  I recommend using this run for the four apples trophy.  You'll get the first two apples right at the start of the episode and the next two will be gained after beating the first boss.  This is why you should avoid the avoidable ghosts as they do damage and the apples are used to restore health.  Plus, skipping the avoidable ghost is a must for the speedrun trophy.  You'll have just barely enough health to beat the first boss if done right.  After this boss, use an apple to restore health in your next unavoidable battle, then run and avoid ghosts until you have beaten the final boss.  Make sure to also mash X to smash past the dialogue to save extra time.  Done.  Doesn't take much effort at all.   

Story Four

After being duped, betrayed, and other stuff by the real villain of the series, the pastor's son.  Our heroes are now COMING DOWN THE MOUNTAIN! WWWHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAHHHHHHOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! In hopes of stopping the bad guy from doing his thing.

All of the (small) improvements that were in the previous game are all gone in this one.  The Christian message is overly forced, cheesy, preachy, and overall, gag inducing.  The message in this being... wait... Is there really a Christian message in this other than asking God for help and forgiveness?  The point that this game is trying to make is that things such as Halloween and Christianity have lost their true meaning over the years.  It's presented real badly. I know, the irony of me saying that... You know what. F**k that joke of me being bad.  That s**t needs to stop.  Because, I'm not bad... But this game is. If anyone says otherwise, they can go convert themselves to Mormonism.

Gameplay is roughly the same as the previous episode, being that you go around and fight ghosts in a very loose turn based RPG battle style.  Except this time there's a quest in a maze to go search for a key.  Other than that, same as it ever was. Same as it ever was.  Except for the fact that there are five times more battles in this game.  They weren't fun to do, just slowed the game down.  Thankfully, a good chunk of them are avoidable.

Trophies are fairly consistent with what you've dealt with in the past.  Play though the game, beat all the ghosts, and wait... There's no speed-run trophy in this volume.  Weird that they chose to dump it on this volume, but eh, less work for me and you.  You will need to do two runs of this game anyway.  One for beating all of the ghosts.  Other for having five apples in your inventory.  Reason why is to collect the five apples. You'll have to not consume any (you start off with two) until you have five of them.  If you're doing the ghostbuster run, you can bet your penis that you'll be gobbling apples to regain health.

After all of that, you should have another easy to get platinum trophy. That'll total us up to four shameful platinums from this series. God, I feel dirty.


The pain and pleasure is not yet over. We've still got some saucy Q&A to get through.  Remember, if you want to send in a question, you can leave a comment or send me a letter.  This week my PO box is located  in Butt Town, Brick By Brick.  Postcode: 61990.

Matlock Maniac asks: Why wasn't there a Q&A Segment last week? I think they're pretty neat.

I reply: Because Ouch! Right in My Vegemite's explosion (from two weeks ago) was so strong that not only did it take out that editions third question, it also took out last weeks Q&A.

Maniac Matlock asks: Where do you find all of these people to give you questions? Emerald Rangers can't have that many fans.


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